Its been a month since that fateful day when he got married to her... Since then there had not been a single day that I didnt think of him. but does he ever think of me?
Guess I will never know. Probably the answer is NO he doesnt think of you anymore. He stopped caring smarties... its tough to bear but it is the reality.
Is it so easy to forget a person who did no wrong to you other than being a good friend who was honest and direct? who made an impact on your conscience to do the right thing?
may be having me around reminds you of the wrong you did to me specially at a time when you are trying to build a new life and move on. specially when you took the pains to say your vows in the temple to be faithful to your wife. talking to me and seeing me does it disturb you so much?
I cannot hate someone whom I loved with all my heart.. I may not love you as I used to but I cant get myself to hate you either.
I wish the day I feel indifferent towards you will come close. I want to move on... to find a man who loves me for who I am and what I am. Not for my outer beauty, my riches nor my status in society. I want to find the one who sees the beauty in my heart through my eyes. is that day far off? No its closer than I think...
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Bucket list
May be this is a first step in identifying & realising my dreams
1. study upto university masters degree (achieved 2001)
2. Live in England atleast for an year (2001/02)
3. Find a world class employer (2001, 2003)
4. own a house (2004)
5. own a car (2005)
6. Find the love of my life... Romeo Romeo where art thou? come to me soon! :)
7. Get married & have a family
8. Travel the world - been to India,Nepal, UK, France, Austria, Czech Republic, Hungary, Italy, Spain, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Australia, Bangladesh
want to go to - Italy (many places to go), Greece, Greek Islands, China, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Netherlands, Spain (Andulusia), Portugal, Latin American, Africa, Iran, Bhutan, Vietnam, Fiji... well basically any country not been to before.. :)
9. Publish a book - a novel & poetry collection
10. Learn a language - elementry Spanish (2009)
11. Learn Photography
12. Explore sexual desires not yet fulfilled and may be one day write erotic short stories under a psydo name
13. Help protect the mother land in someway or the other..
14. Learn Latin dancing (2004)
15. Learn psychology specially child psychology
16. Learn interior deco
17. Build a holiday home in my own estate
18. Learn to be an amazing cook
19. Open a coffee shop
20 Open a flower shop alongside the coffee shop :)
1. study upto university masters degree (achieved 2001)
2. Live in England atleast for an year (2001/02)
3. Find a world class employer (2001, 2003)
4. own a house (2004)
5. own a car (2005)
6. Find the love of my life... Romeo Romeo where art thou? come to me soon! :)
7. Get married & have a family
8. Travel the world - been to India,Nepal, UK, France, Austria, Czech Republic, Hungary, Italy, Spain, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Australia, Bangladesh
want to go to - Italy (many places to go), Greece, Greek Islands, China, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Netherlands, Spain (Andulusia), Portugal, Latin American, Africa, Iran, Bhutan, Vietnam, Fiji... well basically any country not been to before.. :)
9. Publish a book - a novel & poetry collection
10. Learn a language - elementry Spanish (2009)
11. Learn Photography
12. Explore sexual desires not yet fulfilled and may be one day write erotic short stories under a psydo name
13. Help protect the mother land in someway or the other..
14. Learn Latin dancing (2004)
15. Learn psychology specially child psychology
16. Learn interior deco
17. Build a holiday home in my own estate
18. Learn to be an amazing cook
19. Open a coffee shop
20 Open a flower shop alongside the coffee shop :)
what a night it was! the glitz and the glamour and all things famous.. but mid way I felt bored.. and sleepy. Whats wrong with me? what is my true calling? what makes me tick??
At 33 years I still havent been able to to figure that out...
May be its time to do a real soul searching and find out what I really want.. the truth is I dont know. Dont get me wrong its not that I have not been thinking. Right now what I crave for most is love and affection. A hug and a kiss to make me feel fulfilled. Its a simple need. when simple needs are not fulfilled can you really feel or understand what you need at a higher level? I believe that is the reason for not being able to realize or understand what I really want to do.
If I have one real weakness that is I am too emotional. For the slightest thing I will have tears in my eyes. But is being emotional a bad thing? is it immature? is it good to supress emotions? am I not expressing my true feelings by being emotional? A genuine and a better person by being true to myself?
People tell me I need to pull myself up and be strong. Bear in mind I have been very strong in situations where it was required in the past. Not many people know of it anyways. When my parents marraige turned sour a few years ago I held my head strong and no one knew what was going on in my life and I always had a cheerful smile on my face. I was able to pretend my life was hunky dory. yes it helped me to survive at that moment but at what cost?
At the expense of not being able to trust anyone in life.. to expect the worst in every person and every situation.. to expect to be let down yet agian.. to judge people by what I am used to and not give them a chance to prove themselves! Basically being negative. Holding my head high and surpressing my emotions at the time of growing up has not helped me in the long run.. I am still a loser!
Do I have to be in those shoes still? NO I want to get out of this pattern. I want to break free from these past ghosts. I want to be able to trust atleast one person and dream again.. is it too much to ask?
At 33 years I still havent been able to to figure that out...
May be its time to do a real soul searching and find out what I really want.. the truth is I dont know. Dont get me wrong its not that I have not been thinking. Right now what I crave for most is love and affection. A hug and a kiss to make me feel fulfilled. Its a simple need. when simple needs are not fulfilled can you really feel or understand what you need at a higher level? I believe that is the reason for not being able to realize or understand what I really want to do.
If I have one real weakness that is I am too emotional. For the slightest thing I will have tears in my eyes. But is being emotional a bad thing? is it immature? is it good to supress emotions? am I not expressing my true feelings by being emotional? A genuine and a better person by being true to myself?
People tell me I need to pull myself up and be strong. Bear in mind I have been very strong in situations where it was required in the past. Not many people know of it anyways. When my parents marraige turned sour a few years ago I held my head strong and no one knew what was going on in my life and I always had a cheerful smile on my face. I was able to pretend my life was hunky dory. yes it helped me to survive at that moment but at what cost?
At the expense of not being able to trust anyone in life.. to expect the worst in every person and every situation.. to expect to be let down yet agian.. to judge people by what I am used to and not give them a chance to prove themselves! Basically being negative. Holding my head high and surpressing my emotions at the time of growing up has not helped me in the long run.. I am still a loser!
Do I have to be in those shoes still? NO I want to get out of this pattern. I want to break free from these past ghosts. I want to be able to trust atleast one person and dream again.. is it too much to ask?
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