what a night it was! the glitz and the glamour and all things famous.. but mid way I felt bored.. and sleepy. Whats wrong with me? what is my true calling? what makes me tick??
At 33 years I still havent been able to to figure that out...

May be its time to do a real soul searching and find out what I really want.. the truth is I dont know. Dont get me wrong its not that I have not been thinking. Right now what I crave for most is love and affection. A hug and a kiss to make me feel fulfilled. Its a simple need. when simple needs are not fulfilled can you really feel or understand what you need at a higher level? I believe that is the reason for not being able to realize or understand what I really want to do.

If I have one real weakness that is I am too emotional. For the slightest thing I will have tears in my eyes. But is being emotional a bad thing? is it immature? is it good to supress emotions? am I not expressing my true feelings by being emotional? A genuine and a better person by being true to myself?

People tell me I need to pull myself up and be strong. Bear in mind I have been very strong in situations where it was required in the past. Not many people know of it anyways. When my parents marraige turned sour a few years ago I held my head strong and no one knew what was going on in my life and I always had a cheerful smile on my face. I was able to pretend my life was hunky dory. yes it helped me to survive at that moment but at what cost?

At the expense of not being able to trust anyone in life.. to expect the worst in every person and every situation.. to expect to be let down yet agian.. to judge people by what I am used to and not give them a chance to prove themselves! Basically being negative. Holding my head high and surpressing my emotions at the time of growing up has not helped me in the long run.. I am still a loser!
Do I have to be in those shoes still? NO I want to get out of this pattern. I want to break free from these past ghosts. I want to be able to trust atleast one person and dream again.. is it too much to ask?